I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
