you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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