fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
