I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
