i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
