:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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