I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
two words: eviction party
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
