The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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