Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
