I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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