ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
