When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
