I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
