A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
farters have to be the big spoon...
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
