i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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