every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
