there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
