You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
