I have demons in me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
