Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
