I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
