You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
MIDGETS
????
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
