I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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