I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I faked an abortion last night.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize