she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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