I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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