my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
