Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize