Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
