Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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