Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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