You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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