if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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