I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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