I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
