She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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