I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
