all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
