Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
