weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
