SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sext me about skeletons
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
