I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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