he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
