Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
