I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
