I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
