Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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