I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
