genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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