the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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