i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
