Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
