a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize