I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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