You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
