I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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