I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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